on people i loathe.

there were the days in high school when i would have told you if i didn't like you, perhaps turning it into a dramatic scene and dragging it out all because i was bored. 

it wasn't the most flattering of times. 

but now i consider myself more mature, keeping my rants to phone calls to my mom, blank stares, and sarcastic character sketches in my creative writing class. 

every class my professor reads off a few pieces of the homework that we turned in from the class before. this particular day he said, "i want to read the entire sketch this time because it is stunning and the writer hit the nail on the head." imagine my shock when he started reading mine. i almost died. no, really. 

so suck it, liberal toolbags with the dirty clothes and stench of cheap beer and cigarettes, this lilly pulitzer agenda toting girl is a writer after all. 


He's cute, a little chubby, but cute. He's not into that shaggy hair craze the other boys have bought into; his hair is short, buzzed even. He's a little below average where height is concerned, but my perspective could be skewed because of the 6'8 drink of water standing next to him. 

Girls usually fall over themselves to get his attention, well, that is before they get to know him. The start of fall semester is most likely his favorite season of the year, the time naive new girls line up for him to take his pick. It's slightly entertaining, watching their little dance. She pretends like she doesn't know how to use the weight machine, and he acts like he isn't exhausted from acting like he isn't constantly flexing as he talks to the blonde on the leg press. Poor girl. 

She doesn't know it yet, none of them do. They're too distracted by the strong jaw line and the good teeth to notice that his muffin top is nicely accentuated by his muscle tee. Sure, he has a closet full of trophies and the walls of his mom's house proudly displays pictures from team banquets, senior year photos, and action shots taken from championship qualifying games. But is a lifetime of listening about the time he lead his football team to victory when he was just a sophomore worth the fraternity letters and slightly well-built frame?

He may have been recognized for his good sportsmanship senior year, but will that really make up for the constant one-upping, a habit that will one day irritate you to the point that his voice might as well be nails on a chalkboard?

The answer is no, or at least it should be. 

"Sup, Ella?"
Really? He must be the only guy dense enough to think that someone on the treadmill wants to have a conversation while they complete their third mile. 

"Did you see what happened over there? This new guy was trying to out-lift me on the bench press so I started going faster and so did he and so I put on some more weight and he did too and then I went faster and he couldn't keep up so he dropped the bar and had to ask someone to lift it off of him. I pumped a few more out and was like, 'really bro, do you even lift?' It was so funny. Like dude, what were you thinking? You don't just come into the gym and try to out-lift me. I mean, it's really funny. Like they try to ruin my day and shit but I let the haters be my motivators, ya' know. They can't stop me, they can't stop the thunder, you know what I mean?

Now I have to go run the practice for my flag football team. We're gonna win the whole thing this year. Like today some skinny ass nerd tried asking me when practice was. How funny is that? I was like, 'nah bro, we don't need anyone else, bro.' I was about to tell him that he should try the science club and stick to mixing chemicals or something.

"So you're saying he was a better fit for the chess club?"

"Hey, take that back. I'm really good at chess too. I'm an athlete and I'm smart. Like I don't even have to take notes, like I just retain the information and shit. That's probably why I have so many haters. 

Well I guess I'll let you finish running. That's a really good habit by the way, working out. I think it's so sexy when a girl works out. Like that's a fantasy of mine, to do it at the gym, ya' know? When I get married I hope my wife has a little bit of an eating disorder so she doesn't let herself go and get really fat, you know what I mean?"

white.

well, i'm dating a guy that doesn't want to get married because of the relationship his mom and dad have

(they're divorced, which makes time off a little tricky). 

so naturally, all i think about is getting married. (which won't happen anytime soon because i kind of really like living alone.)

i wonder if ever i will be a bride 
with a white lace gown
standing in front of everyone, 
looking beautiful 
because someone loves me that much. 

blue ocean floor.

This morning was rainy. It was cold and sleepy, Savannah. Not a hard rain, just enough to make Sunday morning blurry. Fritz and I sat on a bench at the end of River Street, spending the morning watching the boats roll in. It was something I’ve always wanted to do and now it was happening. Granted, I never thought it would include a bloody mary, a cat on a leash, and a reflection of the sleepless night before heading off to college to the girl staring off into the gray Savannah River, but it felt perfect.

I’d been thinking a lot about bravery and grit, being someone, being one of those girls I had a crush on. Becoming the girl that remembered small details and made people feel welcomed; who mentored young girls, threw notable dinner parties and arranged flowers all while holding the title director of development or creator of a local magazine.

And there I was, a girl in a yellow raincoat with a coffee and a lavender bouquet, roaming the streets of a sleepy city on a rainy morning mulling over thoughts such as risking more than required and letting go of other things simply because they were heavy. I was a girl out of a movie, a character out of the book I was always writing in my head.

It was there, on a bench in Oglethorpe Square that I realized at some point I was going to have to let you go.

So there’s that. 

don't believe me? just watch.

because of the lack of cable in my apartment for the summer, i've relied heavily on netflix and hulu to be the background noise of my 452 square foot lifestyle. 

but one day it all ended. the tv series "watch all 5 seasons in 3 days" binge session was over, which is when you realize netflix kind of sucks. 

after seeing advertisements for the savannah ted talk conference this month, i looked up a few videos. i think i ended up watching 8 talks as i cleaned the apartment and attempted the recreation of internet cat memes with fritz. 

all of the lectures i watched were incredibly interesting and i think i could gush about all of them, but i really want to talk about this one by angela duckworth. she's a psychologist that studies characteristics of success. she has found that it's not social or economic class/ iq points/ or talent that makes a truly successful person. it's grit. 

"grit is sticking with your future- day in, day out, not just for the week, not just for the month, but for years- and working really hard to make that future a reality." 

i think i believe her. if she's right, that means i'm doing pretty swell. i know i'm not the smartest or the most creative, but i do know that i try really hard, teach myself new tricks (i taught myself how to code by reading books and watching youtube videos), and throw myself into every possible situation whether i'm supposed to be there or not. 

i've ran for sga vice president, tried out for the soccer team, was a finalist for ghp, auditioned for the lead role in every school play, and showed up to every gulfstream internship interview even though they were constantly saying no. 

i failed at every single one of those things, and cried for days and it felt like i was dying afterwards. but duckworth (haha) says that those who are successful, the ones with the grit, are able to fail and start all over again. 

i mean, phil started duck commander buck commander in the shed behind his trailer. 

one of these days i'm going to have them thinking i run the world like michelle's husband. 

welcome to the good life.

have you ever heard of an intern who had their own office?
they're kind of like unicorns these days. 
not only do i have an office and get paid here in utopia, i don't even have to get anyone coffee or pick up lunch. 

ladies and gents, i am living the life up here in PARB 256. 

at 5 in the morning after high school graduation, i tied on my apron and headed in to open atlanta bread company. as i was cleaning bathrooms and being burned by the espresso machine, i promised myself i would never, ever work in the service industry or stiff my waitress on a tip ever again. 

so far, both of those promises have been kept. 

moving on up.

hey!

what? another post? but it hasn't been two months since i've posted the last one! 
haha. i know. maybe i'm a changed woman. we'll see. 

BUT. there is ENORMOUS news today. 

i have a new website. (<---- click it)
i'll still keep my blog for writing, so please keep coming back :)
but for more professional reasons i created a website with my resume and a few of my more professional writings. 
i'm still working out the kinks (like deciding if i have enough money to actually have my own domain name) but i think it's really neat and i wanted to share it. 

you are more than welcome to check it out and send a quick note. 

just remember to come back here every so often :)

say hi! 

weekend update.

geez. it feels like a ghost town up in here. 

but i have (a few) good reasons why.

i'm a ramblin' wreck from georgia tech! well, not in the student sense. i'm just a communications intern, but i have an office (eek!) and i get to FLY to the atlanta campus every other week with my boss, so that's kind of awesome. 

my department has shifted a bit and now i find myself doing more work for the CEISMC department (center for educating, integrating, science mathematics and computing) which means i go to local elementary schools and girl scout troops to teach them that science is cool and make edible rocks. 

i'm also working on the grants that the professional education department is writing for the new MOOC programs. did you know that the average pay for a grant writer is salary + ten percent of the grant that is accepted? the last grant gtpe landed was worth 1.8 million. damn. 


so there's that. i've also been brooding a bit this week because the office ended :( and i had to turn down my dream job. 

ever since i've moved to savannah i've been dying to work at gulfstream. 
no, it's not the glamorous magazine editor position i wanted when i started college, but it's everything the more grown up version of me could ever hope for. i've been on 4 different interviews for internship positions but never successfully landed one. 

as it turns out gulfstream is like an ex boyfriend. once they hear you are happy with someone else (in this case, ga tech) they call again. and this time i got the internship. 

but i turned it down. 

the position was only offered for the summer, which meant come august i would be unemployed. so i had to make the big girl decision of declining my dream job so i could be better off in the long run. (until graduation anyway). 

welp. 

it's been a bummer. 

but i have to remind myself that i'm only 21 and a senior in college. i got this. 

a few desk items, coffee cups and stationary. 

nocturnal.

i've been a night owl lately, which would be fine if i 
didn't have to be a morning person at the same time. 
oh dear. 

2 am, 
sitting alone at the coffee table 
in the dark writing and thinking of you
while you are asleep in your own bed
far from here. 
dreaming about someone else. 

if this was the most romantic song in the world
this has to be the saddest song, not true because it's probably this one, but right now it hurts to look at the stars.