cage match.

my essay topic for english was to choose an argument that we feel passionate about and try to persuade everyone to agree with us. others picked topics such as whether Genesis is true, the legality of abortion, the double standard of rappers and the language they use in their music, but i lack the ability to be serious so i wrote about the dire need for cage matches. 

Rednecks Need to Find Something Else to Carry in Their Pick-up

It saddens me to see my fellow countrymen divided due to the never ending debate of gun control and whether the government should place restrictions on who is allowed to have a firearm and how and when are they to use it, or if the controlling of guns is unconstitutional for any sort of regulation would trample an American citizen’s right to possess a firearm. The argument consumes the dinner table conversation, church sermons, Facebook notes, text messages, grocery store check-out lines, and park benches. The controversial topic of gun control has torn the grand country of America apart, and even though regulations such as restricting guns and other firearms from felons, keeping an up-to-date registry of all of those who have purchased a gun and for what use, and the ordinance that all those who carry guns must carry a permit as well may be the easiest and most logical solution, when one looks past the surface, one would see that it would never work for it does not solve the real problem.

According to my research, the real reason behind the need to possess a gun is not to protect oneself or one’s family, but the possession brings the owner to his or hers most primal, barbaric instinct, the need for violence. Owning a gun gives the owner the security that they are capable of being violent. With this discovery in my cranium, I easily found the solution while watching the Tyra Show. The host, Tyra Banks, was interviewing teenage girls that recorded their fights and uploaded them to the website YouTube. The girls claimed that fighting made them feel good and that there was absolutely no other way to solve their disputes. Most times, the girls agreed that there wasn’t even a dispute to fight about, they were just bored. How quaint.  This approach towards violence brought many of my other observations to light, such as the fact that everyone loves a good fight club. In fact, students at Armstrong Atlantic State University made an attempt to begin a fight club of their own on Club Day, and even though the club was shut down by the administration before the eleventh student was able to sign up, the bestial desire for violence lived on. These two occurrences brought me to the conclusion that the solution to gun control is the abolishment of all guns and firearms, for the weapons will no longer be needed when cage matches are ruled as the law of the land.

The government of America was modeled closely after the Roman Empire. The Romans idea of a good time was a good old fashioned gladiator fight. And if the system to cut down on prisoners and captives of war (terrorists) was good enough for them, cage matches should prove quiet successful for the United States as well. Of course, there are those who believe that without firearms, the United States would have no way to ward off threats from other countries with weapons of mass destruction. To this, I say, no one has nuclear weapons because all of the countries signed an agreement to destroy them, which means there shouldn’t be any left because everyone kept their promise, right?

Cage matches will cut down on deaths caused by firearms and will clean up jails and prisons, for people will have a legal and nonfatal option to solve their problems. For when one truly thinks about why one argues with others, it is because one feels the need to crush their opponent by any means possible, each insult being a metaphorical slap in the face or kick in the knee.  Therefore, the emotional state of America would be astronomically happier, for the people would be able to release the animalistic urges that society has told them to suppress, and if one is being honest with oneself, one would agree to the fact that it is much easier to recover from a punch in the face than it is to recover from an insult.

The matches will allow men to feel like men, to become the people they used to pay to watch at a bar. They will no longer be forced to keep the act up, to pretend as if they are fighting for their girl’s honor, they will be allowed to return to what men truly are, animals in a cage.

The government would take on a role like disillusioned parents, desperate to be hip and young, who allow teenagers to drink in their home because they truly believe that as long as the alcohol is consumed in a controlled environment nothing could go wrong. They believe that trouble would not ensue and perhaps the teenagers will become bored with the alcohol and decide to never drink again. The cage matches would be a way to bring domestic violence out into the open. Rather than keeping the terrible secret, using tax dollars to create domestic violence shelters, and having the police called to the house by a concerned neighbor only to hear that the couple is in love and they just had a bad night; if cage matches were legal, the couple would pay the government to participate in domestic violence. Eventually the couple would both become bored with the fighting and stop completely or they will pay such an incredible amount of money to fight that they would become bankrupt and would no longer have the money to participate.

The rules of the cage match are that a fight can happen at any time, any place, as long as a cage is in the vicinity, the fight will be barehanded-no weapons of any kind will be allowed, the fight will last ‘till the death (or when one of the opponents tap out, whichever comes first), fights outside of a cage is illegal, and spectators are welcome. The score will not be recorded which means that each cage match one enters will be assumed one’s first. Waivers and other procedures used to cover one’s butt will not be required for solving one’s problems by dueling another is the law of the land, meaning that it is the only way.

The Cage Match ordinance is a multi-faceted regulation, for it will create jobs and will overall rid the country of its economic crisis. People will be needed to construct the cages, keep record of cage match appointments, referees for the matches, doctors and medical staff for the end results, and kickboxing classes for those who would like to go into the match prepared.

Overall, cage matches can cause what beauty pageant contestants desperately wish for, world peace. Besides, cage matches have to work, for everyone must work out their problems or stay in the cage until they do. 

not a music video, but a must see youtube video.